Carine Cools defended her doctoral thesis ”Relational Dialectics in Intercultural Couples‘ Relationships” at Jyväskylä University on Monday. Cools, a senior research associate at the university, emphasised that nothing can be taken for granted in intercultural relationships. Even basic issues are subject to ongoing negotiation.

”Couples end up repeatedly discussing fundamental and basic questions like where to live, where to work, where to go on holiday, which parents to see, how to bring up children and so on,” says Cools.

Intercultural couples mainly see negotiation as a natural part of their lives, but it can also be tough.

”Sometimes compromising can be a burden,” says Cools. ”It can be stressful to know that we have to discuss this again and we have to make a decision again.”

Often three languages in a relationship

The Familia club association for intercultural families estimates that in 2009 there were 58,500 Finnish families in which one partner has a mother tongue other than Finnish or Swedish.

”The language question is difficult for couples, because one partner is always at a disadvantage in conversation,” says Cools. ”Often pairs talk to each other in two or even three languages. That leads to misunderstandings.”

In the background of the negotiations there are often also communities and relatives that can strongly criticise a couple’s decisions.

”It affects the couple’s friends, families and other social contacts,” says Cools. ”They end up going through the same discussions there.”

Discussions can also be a couple’s strength

”Discussions are important, because they lead to greater understanding and improve satisfaction within the relationship,” says Cools. ”Continuous negotiations produce a feeling that we have again succeeded in sorting things out, and everything is fine.”

The research could help improve guidance and counselling offered to intercultural couples.

”If multicultural couples know that negotiation is a natural and normal part of life, they can find things easier,” says Cools. ”Many people see it as a problem, but they don’t realise that everyone is in the same situation.”

Cools researched heterosexual couples in which at least one partner has a background in another culture.